This Is Why You Don't Lick Envelopes! 

I used to work for an envelope company. Our plant supervisor used to work in the Chicago plant and told us not to lick the envelopes because they would often find dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel (after thousands of envelopes had been glued and shipped). 

Eww!

   
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I work in a factory and we have 2 employees who used to work in an envelope factory. They told me that when the machine jams up, they use whatever water is handy to thin out the glue. This includes water that they just mopped the floor with. Since then, I've avoided licking envelopes...

Yuck!
  
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A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.

She went to the doctor, but they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done.

The doctor took an X-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There were roach eggs on the seal of the rnvelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...  

This is a true story reported on CNN. 

Double Yuck!! 
   

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Andy Hume wrote: "Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" 

Hmm...
     
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"I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere.

They eat the glue on the envelopes. I think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I always buy the self-sealing type. Or if need be, I use a glue stick to seal one that has the type of glue that needs to be wet to stick."

Good idea...

@->->-

After reading this, you'll never look at a banana the same way again!

Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose, and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just 2 bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout.  No wonder the banana is the #1 fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression:

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND among people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana.  This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood, and generally make you feel happier.

PMS:

Forget the pills - eat a banana.  The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure:

This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power.  Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangover:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.  The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Hmm... I'll definitely have to remember this one. =)

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: 
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito Bites:

Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.  Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Sounds weird if you ask me.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight And At Work?:

Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips.  Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs.  The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every 2 hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers:

The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness.  It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature Control:

Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers.  In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Sure.  Riiight.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):

Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking:

Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12, potassium, and magnesium they contain help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

No cigarette for me thanks.  I think I'll go puff on a banana instead. =P

Stress:

Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and regulates your body's water balance.  When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels.  These can be re-balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Stress raises our metabolism?!  Damn, I should be a size Zero if that's the case...

Strokes:
According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.  When you compare it to an apple, it has 4 times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, 3 times the phosphorus, 5 times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.  It is also rich in potassium, and is one of the best value foods around.

  
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

Or maybe we should all just shut up & eat some kiwi. =D

@->->-

Good information to know!

I had a wonderful morning until the heating unit went out of my dryer! 

The handy man went in to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter.  It was clean.  We always clean the lint from the filter after every load of clothes.  He said that he wanted to show us something.  He took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it.  Now, this thing is mesh and the hot water just laid on top of the mesh!!!  It didn't go through it at all!!!

He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh and that's what burns out the heating unit.  You can't see the film, but it's there.  He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush at least every six months.  He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!  How about that???!!!!  You learn something new everyday!

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This is something that happened to us on the way back from vacation last spring. I didn't think much of it until now. The reason we were a little suspicious is we had been riding in a jeep all day with 100 degrees temps and we stopped at a truck stop for something to drink. When I was leaving, a young girl followed me out and asked what kind of cologne I was wearing. Well, after 7 hours in the car sweating, I don't think you could tell I was or was not wearing any cologne. We just got in the jeep and said no thanks.

Then it was about 3 weeks ago, I was at a service station in Birmingham getting gas. It was about 9:30 pm. I was approached by 2 men and 2 women in a car. The man that was driving asked me "What kind of perfume do you wear?" I was a bit confused and I asked him.

"Why?" He said, "We are selling some name brand perfumes, at cheap prices."
   

I said I had no money. He then reached out of the car and handed me paper that was laminated, ithad many perfumes on it. I looked quickly at it and gave it back.  I said, "I have no money."

He said it is OK, we take check, cash,or credit cards.Then the people in the car began to laugh. I just got in my car and said no thanks. 
   

Then I received this e-mail yesterday and it sent chills up my spine.

Please read this. It is no joke. Here is the e-mail I was sent:
   

Dear Friends:
  
I know not all of you are women that I am sending this to, but am hoping you will share this with your wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, etc. Our world seems to be getting crazier by the day. Pipe bombs in mailboxes and sickos in parking lots with perfume. Be careful. I was approached yesterday afternoon around 5:30 PM in the Walmart parking lot by two males asking what kind of perfume I was wearing. Then they asked if I'd like to sample some fabulous scent they were willing to sell me at a very reasonable rate. I probably would have agreed had I not received an e-mail warning of a "Wanna smell this neat perfume?" scam.

The men continued to stand between parked cars, I guess to wait for someone else to hit on. I stopped a lady going towards them, pointing at them and told her about how I was sent an e-mail at work about someone walking up to you at the malls or in parking lots and asking you to SNIFF PERFUME that they are selling at a cheap price.
   
THIS IS NOT PERFUME... IT IS ETHER!

    
When you sniff it, you'll pass out.They'll take your wallet, your valuables and heaven knows what else. 

PLEASE BE ALERT AND BEWARE. 

Have A Great & Safe Day!

@->->-

Can You Guess Which Of The Following Are True & Which Are False?:

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
  

2.  Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
  

3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 
  

4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; they get sick from being indoors a lot.
 

5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 
  

6.  Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 
  

7.  Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 
  

8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
  

9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 
 

10.  The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 
 

11.  The average housefly lives for one month. 
 

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 
 

13.  A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 
 

14.  The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 
 

15.  Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 
 

16.  Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 
  

17.  The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 
  

18.  The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 
  

19.  John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer And A Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
  

20.  Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 
 

21.  In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 
  

22.  Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
  

23.  The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
  

24.  Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 
  

25.  Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 
  

26.  If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. 
 

See answers below: 
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They are all true... Now go back and think about #16
  

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Haha, These Are Great!:

This one is the best!

For those of you that are thinking about internet dating, here is a personal story of mine:

I started talking to this guy from FaceTheJury.  He seemed nice, sweet, funny, he was in a fraternity, going to college, in the military, worked at a gym... Sounded like the perfect guy.

He started calling me one night while I was out in his town (rare occasion for me to go out in his town, but anyway).  Told me that he wanted to meet me.  I told him to come to the bar & hang out with me, my cousin, & my friends.  He said he couldn't because he had been in a car wreck & didn't currently have a vehicle, but if I wanted to come over to his place, then I was more than welcome.

I declined.  Something about people I've never met inviting me over to their place creeps me out.  He kept calling me that night, "Are you coming over?  Are you coming over?"

Anyway, I happened to be talking to one of my friends that attends the same university as he does, & asked her if she knew who he was. 

"Yes!  How the hell do you know him??!"

My answer was vague... I didn't want to tell her that I had been talking to him online & hadn't met him yet.

She exclaimed "Don't bother with him... Get away from him as fast as you can, he's bad news!"

Turns out that a couple of years ago, this guy raped one of her friends.  He was then immediately kicked off campus. He was unallowed to live or be in any of the dorms & was unable to go out for sports. 

I've quit answering my phone & the kid still won't stop calling me... He called me at 2:30 AM this morning... thank God I was awake enough to hit the mute button instead of answering it like I usually do when someone wakes me up.

Scary huh?  What if I hadn't asked her about him & decided to go ahead & meet him?? *Gulp*

Now, I'm not saying that internet dating is bad... hell, two of the guys I've dated I've met online.  But what I am saying is to be careful. No matter how nice they seem or how sweet they appear, you never really know what's under the surface.  They could be telling you about a life that's not even theirs for all you know, pretending to be someone else.

Being overly cautious is better than being dead.

@->->-

Good Info To Know...

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered the English language... 
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on  prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green. That's why food coloring is added to make it dark. 
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

--Now get this: The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter was by Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession.
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand.
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey.
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day.
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."  It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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AND FINALLY....

75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

@->->-

Maybe this will make you feel better, Jeni!  Keep your head up, girl! =)

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up.
 
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
 
Now Men...
 

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

Another classic favorite of mine!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, Pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look." Of course it is! Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?! Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No Asshole, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"  idn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." What the fuck?! Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks you "Has the bus come yet?"  If the damn bus came would I still be standing here?!

@->->-

"Some people are like Slinkies..."

Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

I didn't know how Mindsay would feel about some of my dirtier, raunchier posts, so they're posted on my other blog. 

Check them out by clicking here (NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE!!) & work your way down from the latest posting.  Feel free to explore my other two blogs as well!

I hope all of you get a few laughs out of it.  Enjoy!

@->->- 

New Layout... Kinda dark for a change, I like it.  Let me know what you think.

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I thought you guys would get a kick out of these.  My smart-ass comments are in red.

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt (Hmm, sounds kinky if you ask me)

  
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain (Yikes, that must be bad!)

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns (Yes, sir, you've got it!)

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge (You wouldn't be referring to the in-laws, would you? lol)

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain (How true!)

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce." - Mark Twain (Mark Twain is a very smart man, indeed!)

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (Lol)

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx (That bad, huh?)

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante (Ouch!)

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." - Jilly Cooper (Somedays I think I'd prefer a dog, thank you)

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor (Right on, Sister!)

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine (Bring on the Irish coffee then!)

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain (Ooo... & nah nah na boo boo to you too!)
 

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Ed Furgol (I'd had those days before, too...)

"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan (Somedays, yes, it does)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman (You're always thinking, aren't ya?)

"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." - Mark Twain (That's ok, Mark, I'll gladly take the title off your hands for ya.)

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up." - Joe Namath  (Haha, that's classic!)

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith (No Kidding!)

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope (Sounds like me on Sundays!)

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - WC. Fields (Haha, guess I never thought about it that way!)

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers (For sure!)

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill (How sad... that is why I'm never growing old.)

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller (Thanks for that mental picture.  That explains why there is never nude night at the retirement home.)

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out." - Unknown (I might have to try that someday, I bet it works.)

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal (Too bad a man is never wise enough to learn to shut his mouth.)

@->->-

This is a true story...

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. 

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Haha, I love it. =)

@->->-

I took a bunch of quizzes today... check out how I ranked by going here: Everyday Rants

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Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a notebook."

Your notebook has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

Your baseball cap reads "Apple" instead of "CAT."

Your computer is worth more than all your trucks combined.

Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."

@->->-

Here's some ADULT humor for ya!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

He replies, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

@->->-

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Haha, corny humor, I know!

@->->-

It's hard to believe that people could actually be this dumb!

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER IN DRIVE BY SHOOTING (The actual Associated Press headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
  
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay.  

Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head  during a drive by shooting, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
  
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
 

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde.

@->->-

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@->->-

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." 
 
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" 

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. 

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." 

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, and I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." 

Hooray for clever females! 
   

@->->-

Men Are Just Happier People... What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

  
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
 
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of  which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress = $5000. Tux rental = $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. 
 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!
 

@->->-

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.  The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.  The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk".

@->->-

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.  He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Have a great day!

@->->-

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is an 7-Step Stress Management Technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works... I tried it! 

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

 
3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
  
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
  

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
   

See? You're smiling already!!
 

@->->-

It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys... but they deserve equal distribution.  RIGHT????
  
Two blonde guys were working for the city works department.  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. 

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
  

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I  don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
  

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well,  I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team, but today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

@->->-

I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.

"Lighthouses?" I asked.

"Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them," the driver replied.

Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is nowhere near the ocean, I asked, "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"

"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person," the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.

I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping."

@->->- 

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

@->->-

Here's a laugh to brighten your day!

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
 

An 86-year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

@->->-

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April -  Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast  stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked convertible using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no  "11" on any phone button.

@->->- 

A Southern Baptist Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.  Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There  are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11.  "What  the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

--  Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10.  "What the @#$% was that?"

--  Mayor Of Hiroshima,  1945

9.  "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

--  Custer, 1877

8.  "Any  @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

--  Einstein, 1938

7.  "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

--  Picasso, 1926

6.  "How  the @#$% did you work that out?"

--  Pythagoras, 126 BC

5.  "You  want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

--  Michelangelo, 1566

4.  "Where the @#$% are we?"

--  Amelia Earhart, 1937

3.  "Scattered  @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

--  Noah, 4314 BC

2.  "Aww,  c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

--  Bill Clinton, 1998

And a drum roll please..........

1.  "Geez,  I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing  mad."

--  Saddam Hussein, 2003

@->->-

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

@->->-

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

@->->-

The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine Darwin Award Nominees are as follows:

Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.  Violence never pays...

Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."  And for my next number...

Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)  That would be why you never rest a loaded gun next to the bed...

Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)  Yeah, see, this window is strong because it stops me from jumping through it?  What an idiot...

Nominee No. 5 [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There were no marks on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas.'" Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.  Yuck, that's just too gross for me to even think about...

Nominee No. 6 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (North Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)  That would definitely be the definition of irony...

Nominee No. 7 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.  Duh, hello!

Nominee No. 8 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)  Again, duh...

And Finally, THE WINNER! [North Carolina Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a "frog gigging trip" on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)  Haha, I love the quote "shot his balls off."  It's just not something you hear everyday...

@->->-

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn  around.

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a  penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) What are four words that will ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in yet?"

Q.) What do  you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Haha, that's my favorite!

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used  rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

@->->-

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of  their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" 
~ Jack Handy 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the  hell happened to your bra and panties. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"I feel sorry for  people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, and that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " 
~ Frank Sinatra 

WARNING: The consumption  of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 
~ Henny Youngman 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"24 hours in a day,  24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." 
~ Stephen Wright 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 
~ Brian O'Rourke 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." 
~ Benjamin Franklin 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 
~ Dave Barry 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. Haha, I'm guilty of that one!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"To some it's a  six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" 
~ Dave Howell 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

And saving  the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy, Norm.  Here's how it went: 

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of  buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of  the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." 
~ Cliff Clavin 

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.  Lol, oops!

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

Today is International Day for the Mentally Disabled. Please send an encouraging message to a mentally retarded friend - as I have just done for you. Please be supportive!!

Just thought I'd let your retarded ass know I don't mind being friends with you. I don't care if you lick windows or even if you wear a football helmet to work. It doesn't bother me that you wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. All I ask is that when we go to the bar, you drive so we can park up front.

You hang in there because you are doing great! You are special, so keep trying!

Have a great day ya' great big 'tard!

Lol.

@->->- 

On a restroom door:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES.  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Have a great day!

@->->-

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.

The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.

Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.

Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

@->->-

 Here's something to get you in the mood for Halloween!  Click the link below:

Virtual Pumpkin Carving

Just follow the instructions, then click the carving knife & have at it!

@->->-

Here's A Joke For Ya!

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did had sex.

After a post-sex cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Have A Great Day! @->->-

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

@->->-

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

@->->-

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

This was emailed to me:

"First I'm going to tell you a little about me and my family. My name is Jeff. I am a Police Officer for a city which is known nationwide for its crime rate. We have a lot of gangs and drugs. At one point we were #2 in the nation in homicides per capita.

I also have police K-9 named Thor. He was certified in drugs and general duty. He retired after 3 years because he was shot in the line of duty. He lives with us now and I still train with him because he likes it. I always liked the fact that there was no way to bring drugs into my house. Thor wouldn't allow it. He would tell on you.

The reason I say this is so you understand that I know about drugs. I have taught in schools about drugs. My wife asks all our kids at least once a week if they used any drugs and makes them promise they wont. 
 
I like building computers occasionally and started building a new one in February 2005. I also was working on some of my older computers. They were full of dust so on one of my trips to the computer store I bought a 3-pack of Dust Off.  Dust Off is a can of compressed air to blow dust off a computer. A few weeks later when I went to use one of them they were all used. I talked to my kids and my two sons both said they had used them on their computer and messing around with them. I yelled at them for wasting the 10 dollars I paid for them.

On February 28th, I went back to the computer store. They didn't have the 3-pack which I had bought on sale so I bought a single jumbo can of Dust Off. I went home and set it down beside my computer. 

On March 1st, I left for work at 10 PM. Just before midnight, my wife went down and kissed Kyle goodnight. At 5:30 AM the next morning, Kathy went downstairs to wake Kyle up for school, before she left for work. He was propped up in bed with his legs crossed and his head leaning over. She called to him a few times to get up. He didn't move. He would sometimes tease her like this and pretend he fell back asleep. He was never easy to get up. She went in and shook his arm. He fell over. He was pale white and had the straw from the Dust Off can coming out of his mouth. He had the new can of Dust Off in his hands. Kyle was dead. 

I am a police officer and I had never heard of this. My wife is a nurse and she had never heard of this. We later found out from the coroner, after the autopsy, that only the propellant from the can of Dust Off was in his system. No other drugs. Kyle had died between midnight and 1 AM. 

I found out that using Dust Off is being done mostly by kids ages 9 through 15. They even have a name for it. It's called Dusting. It gives them a slight high for about 10 seconds. It makes them dizzy. A boy who lives down the street from us showed Kyle how to do this about a month before. Kyle showed his best friend. Told him it was cool and it couldn't hurt you because it's just compressed air. His best friend said no. 

Kyle was wrong. It's not just compressed air. It also contains a propellant called R2. It's a refrigerant. It is a heavy gas. Heavier than air. 

When you inhale it, it fills your lungs and keeps the good air, with oxygen, out. That's why you feel dizzy, buzzed. It decreases the oxygen to your brain, to your heart. Kyle was right. It can't hurt you. It kills you.

The horrible part about this is there is no warning. There is no level that kills you. It's not cumulative or an overdose; it can just go randomly, terribly wrong. Roll the dice and if your number comes up you die. It's not an overdose. It's Russian Roulette. You don't die later. Or not feel good and say I've had too much. You usually die as you're breathing it in. If not, you die within 2 seconds of finishing "the hit." That's why the straw was still in Kyle's mouth when he died. Why his eyes were still open.

The experts want to call this huffing. The kids don't believe it's huffing. As adults we tend to lump many things together. But it doesn't fit here. And that's why it's more accepted. There is no chemical reaction.  No strong odor. It doesn't follow the huffing signals. Kyle complained a few days before he died of his tongue hurting. It probably did. The propellant causes frostbite. If I had only known. 

It's easy to say 'hey, it's my life and I'll do what I want.' But it isn't. Others are always effected. This has forever changed our family's life.  I have a hole in my heart and soul that can never be fixed. The pain is so immense I can't describe it. There's nowhere to run from it. I cry all the time and I don't ever cry. I do what I'm supposed to do but I don't really care. My kids are messed up. One won't talk about it. The other will only sleep in our room at night. And my wife, I can't even describe how bad she is taking this. I thought we were safe because of Thor. I thought we were safe because we knew about drugs and talked to our kids about them. 

After Kyle died another story came out. A probation officer went to the school system next to ours to speak with a student. While there he found a student using Dust Off in the bathroom. This student told him about another student who also had some in his locker.

This is a rather affluent school system. They will tell you they don't have a drug problem there. They don't even have a dare or plus program there.

So rather than tell everyone about this 'new' way of getting high they found, they hid it. The probation officer told the media after Kyle's death and they, the school, then admitted to it. I know that if they would have told the media and I had heard, it wouldn't have been in my house. 

 
We need to get this out of our homes and school computer labs. Using Dust Off isn't new and some 'professionals' do know about. It just isn't talked about much, except by the kids. They all seem to know about it. 

April 2nd was 1 month since Kyle died. April 5th would have been his 15th birthday. And every weekday I catch myself sitting on the living room couch at 2:30 in the afternoon and waiting to see him get off the bus. I know Kyle is in heaven but I can't help but wonder if I died and went to Hell." 

Scary... Beware!

@->->- 

A Story About Joe:

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need - a new suit!'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

@->->-

Fred: "Promise you won't laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. I've been practicing over twenty years and I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.  It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.  Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am... I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

@->->-

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers... but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

LOL

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch; They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
 

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see," he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! You better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards as well!"

@->->-

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." 

"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" 

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. 

The cop stammered, "A what?  A rectum stretcher?  And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. 

The woman smiled. "Why, you give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." 

@->->-

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. 

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!" 

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" 

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, I'll get him into the course." 

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. 

    
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" 

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." 

His father sends the money. 

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. 

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'" 

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a before he talks to your Mother!" 

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

@->->- 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

  
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

  
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
  

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
   

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.

  
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

   
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

  
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

  
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

  
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

   
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was  hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back"

  
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

@->->-

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his "attorney," who knows sign  language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The $10 million is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" 

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!!!"

@->->-

In an Ames school, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she is an Iowa State fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they are Iowa State fans too. Not really knowing what an Iowa State fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands all went up.

However, a little boy named Timmy did not raise his hand. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an Iowa State fan," says Timmy. 

The teacher then asks, "Well then what are you?" 

Timmy says, "I'm an Iowa fan."

The teacher is a little perturbed now.  Her face slightly red, she asks Timmy, "Why are you an Iowa fan?"

"Well, my mom and dad are Iowa fans so I'm an Iowa fan, too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot?" 

Timmy smiled and said, "Then I'd be an Iowa State fan."

@->->-

1.  A  kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know  that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed  in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did what?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2.  A small  boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... "Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"What?!"

"When  you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3.  An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked  him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it  over and said,"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.  Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4.   One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5.  It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6.  When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7.  A  little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you  to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied,  "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."

8.  One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9.  A  certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm  Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in  Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She  replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10.  A  little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother  replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and  asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11.  A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

@->->-

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
  

@->->-

Turkey In The Straw

I Will Survive

@->->-

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.  Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. 

The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!!! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shit'. It cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

@->->- 

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars.  They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.  Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.  "Just how do you guys do it?"  asks Maureen.  "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.  "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." 

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.  With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.  As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"  "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good.  How about you?"  

"It was horrible," he replies.  "All I got was a headache.  She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

@->->-

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's head or windshield.

Have A Great Day!

@->->-

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First Floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth Floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went....

Fifth Floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. Thanks for visiting the Husband Super Store.  The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

@->->-

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.  Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

@->->-

 

   

 

@->->-

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she hears a strange noise coming from within.  Opening the door, she observes her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asks, "What in the world are you doing?!"

The daughter replies, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father hears the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of her closed bedroom door.  Upon entering the room, he observes his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter replies, "Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please go away and leave me alone."

A few days later, the wife comes home from a shopping trip.  Placing the groceries on the kitchen counter, she hears that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.

She enters the room only to see her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.  The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. 

Perplexed, the wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?!"

The husband replies, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law." 

Haha, I love it!

@->->-

The best comebacks for pick-up lines yet!

 

 

 

@->->-

New layout... whatcha think?

@->->-

Wishing you the best Christmas ever! :)

Here's a great outfit for some of you that may need it tomorrow night... (However, if you decide to borrow it, I'll need a cash deposit.) :)

It's a sad SAD story but it had to be told...